Went for a jog, but even the effect of that wore off with in the hour.

Mayby a 30 min nap. Than on to attack the chores, before coffee with a friend.

I try.

Most times I succeed. Some times I lapse.

Every now and then I get lost, I blame the world, and especially my husband and the flaws that I see in him for what I have and for what I don’t have. Whilst I am in that state I am so busy blaming that I am unable to see clearly that the power is always mine to change my situation at any giving time. I forget that I am not my emotions. The fear and the anger and the resentment takes over, and the impact on me and my family is huge. We yell instead of talk, we stop communicating and we blame. Love is not present.

I am just reaching the part in ‘the power of now’ about relationships, and I find it very fitting that I am going through these spaces at the same time. The essence of what I have read so far is, that ‘being in love’ arises when we have our wants and needs met by another human being, when we forget that the source of all contentment is within us, and not some external thing or being. We must as far as possible be at peace with our selves, and the relationships around us will work out, some will cease in harmony others will live on and become stronger.

I am also finding some great practical help in ‘the dance of anger’ audio books that Kim introduced me to (and have shared these with a couple of friends who have found them helpful too). I have a mutual baby-sitting arrangement with a friend, and when there was lack of communication from her husband recently I was able to for the first time really to address the issue from my point of view. That I had a problem, that the current situation did not suit me, i did not blame, but asked that clearer communication would be put in place, and that I was clear the situation was not my friends fault, and that I did not want to take it ‘out on her’. I feel the communication was received well, and am proud for having communicated my boundaries.

So I grabed a cloth and had the girls bathroom sparkling in less than 5 minutes.

I wasn’t going to empty the dishwasher for a number of very good reasons (I had worked since 7am, I was tired and it was friday evening…!), but in less than 3 minutes it was unpacked and packed again, and the kitchen is no longer messy, it will be easy to pack my lunch in the morning when I get up early for work again.

Being a shift worker, it just doesnt make any sense to treat the friday as as friday, treat anyday as TODAY and do what needs to be done.

Contacting the network leader to confirm my intent in the group, update her on my actions and people coming. Also prompting her to be in action.

Reconnecting with G, and discovering we are choosing the same carreer shift, at the same time, for the same reason. The start of a powerful friendship.

Act, dispite of my fear, in relation to a job application i mailed three weeks ago. Follow up that the intenden person had infact recieved the letter, and getting confirmation that I should recieve a reply soon.

Act on my declaration of being a marathon runner, by actually running , and entering a competition for a marathon entry, new runners, a training session with a well known and respected marathon runner, and for the paper to follow the winners progress. The prospect of winning equally lights me up and scares me.

Reconnecting with L, sharing her joy of new love, and committing to catching up. A friendship I really want to nurture.

Sharing my fears, and breakthroughs with my children.

Sharing my daughters breakdown, and listening, and being present with her through it.

Being a stand for K, who is resisting getting straight with her mother.

Enjoying the birds using our pool as a giant bird bath. Made me smile.

Taking in the colour of the trees turning all shades of autum.

Briefly connecting with R, being acknowledged for who I am to her.

Acknowledging H for acting on her ‘wants’ not her ‘dont wants’.

Last week I was out for a movie night, hosted an evening bookclub and attenden the sunday graduate session with my friend Lyn who attended the Forum this weekend. Combine this with both mine and my husbands rotating rosters and there was not many evenings we were home togehter.

So I promised my family I would be home the three evenings this week I did not have to work, or we did not have other arrangements. I also took on practising ‘integrity’ at the Sunday night session.

I knew of a meeting on wednesday night in my local Landmark Graduate Network, and was happy to not attend, as the group has lacked focus and power the last few months. However, I recieved a few phonecalls and emails form other group members, that tomorrows meeting was to clear the past and re-energise the group, and I was the really wanting to go. I love the inspiration and connection I get when the group runs well, and I have recreated my possibility to ‘passionate and compassionate leadership’, which suit the flavour of the meeting to a tee.

So I approached my husband and explained I had a problem. I acknowledged that I had taken on practising ‘integrity’, and that I had promised to be home this week, but I also had this strong desire to attend the wednesday meeting. First we had a talk about what the meeting means to me, and that he does not feel the same way about these. We spend time on the couch, in front of the fire, with a glass of red and connected, and agreed I could attend the meeting.

Looking forward to it.

Some days it feels life-giving and awesome to feel like the master of my universe, I decide, I create, I have power. Other days it is terrifying, leaves me powerless and angry. Why is it all up to me, I don’t want the hard work.

I choose to sit idle, addicted to the computer, it gives me an escape, I dont have to act, I make excuses. And then I blame my self, and the guilt sets in.

I choose to act, I think of the outcome and the impact on myself and my family and the world.

Some days I am aware of the choices. Some days it does not feel like I am choosing at all. Like I forget to turn my brain on when getting out of bed, and life happens to me. Poor me.

I don’t like being the superwoman/mum that plans, schedules and uses the diary, because I don’t feel I can do that job good enough, I feel like I am pretending to be someone I am not. Or do I?

Many days I am torn, with out making a choice I am stuck in the middle by my own demons. Even calling ‘them’ ‘demons’ I am choosing to not be in charge.

I forgot to choose ‘there is nothing wrong’ – it would make THE difference.

Listening to hubby. Not judging, not offering advice. Listening, and acknowledging, asking for clarification, or asking for more depth. The result was a new level of understanding that will make a difference in the topics that I will initiate conversation about, as well as further understading about his position when I make certain choices.

Telling my friend what I could see for her, in her communication about herself.

Telling my friends about a massive communication breakthrough and acknowledging my part in it without blaming or making wrong.

Giving my opinion to someone I at times view as intimidating and meaning it.