It was during the advanced course, I was at the back of the room stretching my legs. When I wanted to sit down again, someone was in ‘my’ seat, and the only spare seat was next to N.

She had introduced herself on the Friday, and I had noticed her because she was a good looking girl, a very fit girl, but other than that just another participant. When I later heard her described as an gold medal winning olympian, she immedeately stopped being ‘just another participant’ and turned into someone I deeply admired, was far inferior to, someone I could never talk to because I was not good enough for her, someone important, someone noticeable, someone better.

Now, I was faced with having to sit next to her – which ofcourse was impossible because she would think that I was intruding on her personal space, never mind that I would have gladly sat down to any other participant, but not HER. After minutes of debating myself with my little voice inside my head, I decided that i HAD to go and sit next to her – simply because I could not see any other seats. I made my way, very nervously, down the isle towards the front row and THAT seat – only to discover that someone elses bags were on the floor in front of the empty seat, so I quicly decided that i was SO not going to sit there, that seat must belong to someone else, and back to the back of the room I went.

After many more minutes of arguing in my head, and not hearing a word of what the advanced course leader was saying, I again decided that since there were no other seats and having been stading for a good 20 minutes I better sit down next to N. So I did – but I only sat on the very edge of the seat, not leaning back, not ‘claiming’ the space, feeling very uncomfortable.

Soon after we had to do the ’selling game’ where you pick a random item and ’sell’ it to your group members in your most dis-inhibited way being loud and fully self expressed. I was selling my snot and tears in a tissue – she was selling an item of her clothing, screaming that this particualar piece of clothing had been with her to the olympic games – and looking at me – that it had even been to Denmark. I could not believe that she had actually noticed, and remembered, that I was from Denmark – I was blown away, and then soon after hit with the breakthrough that my whole life I have been comparing myself to others, making myself feel inferior to most and superior to nearly as many, and that all of my friendships were with people I considered myself fairly ‘even’ to, although this could change overtime depending on their (or mine) situation, financial status, weight or what ever.

The self esteem I was lacking was a function of me creating a world were no-one is perfect, but always too good or not good enough.